Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener. 

Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair. 

Always lands on her spleen. 

Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches. 

Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens. 

No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz. 

It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.

Catfood dish replaced with Rush Limbaugh trough. 

Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit. 

Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky. 

He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull. 

Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed. 

Has more chins than lives. 

Signs that your cat has learned your password

• E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy".

• Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

• You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

• Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/.

• Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.

• Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."

• Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

• There are little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

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Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get a extra pair to take home, too.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

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Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

--- Greg Richards